Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Hey, Jealousy...

So last month, it was the struggle with depression and my anger that really shitty things happen to not only good people, but those who should be up for sainthood! I was able to blame various environmental factors, even fancy myself a victim for a little while. What I struggle with this month,  (and continuously) is something I have invented and spent far too much time nurturing: jealousy. No, I'm not talking about the worry that my husband's attention was momentarily diverted by the Victoria's Secret commercial, or the "sour grapes" verbal attack on the people with the lakefront house, the boat, and perfect hair. It pains me to say this, but I'm talking about my friends.

 I have had the great misfortune of making some of the most talented, beautiful, thin, educated, insightful, stylish, selfless, enlightened friends. Most days, I am honored to be in their presence, but for a tiny (still too large for me) portion of the time I am with them, I feel like I am just tolerated to come along for the ride with people in whose league I could never really find myself. I want so desperately to move through the world the way they do. There are moments when I am consumed by these thoughts.

My friend writes (beautifully and eloquently) in her blog about Pinterest and HGTV making her feel inadequate. Oh, gorgeous, funny, amazing, stylish friend...HOW?!  Another dear friend of mine who blogs and causes me to ponder things that had never before crossed my mind is like a Mother Theresa in a statuesque supermodel package (except with massive "street cred" and intellect). She has also shares feelings of inadequacy from time to time. It's shocking to hear this from her.

I am no slouch, I know. This isn't a "down on myself" pity party. It's more a prayer that I will decide that I am enough. If I never loose the thirty pounds, I am enough. If I am never published, I am enough. If I never run the marathon, I am enough. If I never sing another aria in public. I am enough.  Most importantly, if the people around me do accomplish these things, I can celebrate with them, be genuinely happy for them,  and still decide I am enough.